Posted on May 25, 2023
Most people think that self-love is about doing nice things for yourself, and in part, that’s true. But true self-love isn’t about doing at all, it’s about how you are being, within yourself. What does that mean? It means, how are you treating yourself on the inside?
Getting a massage, eating good food, going to the spa, are all lovely things to do. But how we speak to ourselves, how we show up for ourselves especially when we’re feeling down and having a rough time of it, is the real testament of how strong our self-love truly is.
I’d like to share with you 7 things you can do to bring you into self-love. Think of them as breadcrumbs that will lead you back home, where self-love naturally resides; waiting patiently for you to return to.
Most people fall out of self-love when they are resisting their experience. They’re wishing they were different, or that their experience would change and be “better” than it currently is. They go into judgment, comparison, lack, self-loathing etc. Ultimately, they want to be someone else, somewhere else, than they are now.
The antidote to this is simple but not always easy: Acknowledge where you’re at.
What does that mean? It means, stop resisting, stop fighting yourself, stop trying to get rid of or even transcend your current situation. You’re only in battle with yourself and being in conflict with ourselves is painful. It might be uncomfortable to “stay,” but it’s the first step to transforming our experience and feeling better about ourselves. We cannot outrun, or escape our discomfort because what we resist, persists and the only way out is through.
Acknowledging where you’re at allows you to pause for a moment, stop the train of obsessive thinking, pull yourself back into the present moment and just breathe; which is the quickest way to drop you out of the mind and into your body.
Once you’ve acknowledged where you’re at, which means you’re actually being present with yourself vs self-abandoning, neglecting, ignoring or running away from yourself, you can soften into accepting your current experience or state of being.
What that means is that by accepting that this is how you are feeling, this is your truth in this moment, for example: I’m feeling sad, I’m scared, I’m anxious, I’m afraid of being rejected, helps build a bridge back to yourself to where you can find true peace and resolution vs looking “out there” to fill the void, validate or make you feel better.
We have to accept where we are before we can change who we are. Acceptance doesn’t mean that we have to like it. It also doesn’t mean that by accepting that we are giving up or saying that this is how it will be forever. Acceptance just helps us soften, be present with ourselves, stop the struggle so that we can change our state of being in an organic way. Acceptance is opening the door back up to ourselves so we can walk back towards our own heart (which is where love resides).
On a side note: self-love is really just the act of accepting ourselves for all of who we are, “the good, the bad and the ugly.” Self-love lets us know that everything is okay and that no matter what, we’re lovable, significant and worthy, just as we are.
Can whatever you’re feeling, thinking or experiencing be okay? Even if your answer is No! can that be okay?
The reason why it’s helpful to ask yourself this question is because it allows us to settle deeper into acceptance and the more we can accept and be okay with our experience, the more able we will be to shift it and come into a place of self-love.
The obstacle tends to be judgment so let’s look at that.
Our judgment often reflects our limiting beliefs about who we think we are. I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, I’m not lovable, Something is wrong with me etc. Judgment might criticise, shame, blame or just plain be mean to you. But judgment isn’t something to be fought, it’s something to have compassion for because deep down, it’s just a scared, little part of you (little, like a child) that needs your loving attention.
So as the judgment arises, can you get curious? Can you ask it why it’s judging? Where is this judgment coming from? What is it scared of?
This leads us to our needs…
A lot of our triggers, judgment, shame, self-loathing, fear, anxiety and discomfort come from not having a fundamental need of ours met. We haven’t been taught how to even know what our needs are let alone take care and fulfill them for ourselves. Instead, we run around triggered looking for an external fix to make us feel better, more worthy, validated, approved, loved. And if we can’t find it, we fall into despair, neediness, anxiety, you name it. Essentially, we’re outside of ourselves, so far from our own inner home (heart) and self-love.
We can ask ourselves: What am I needing in this moment? What is the need underneath my fear, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy etc? Maybe the need is for validation. Maybe it’s safety. Maybe it’s just being witnessed in your plight. Whatever the need may be, imagine what it would feel like to receive that need.
The fastest way to do that within yourself is to imagine giving a hug to this part of you. A hug encompasses so much: love, acceptance, safety, knowing that we’re not alone, that we’re supported, that we’re being paid attention to…
We’re less likely to run away from ourselves if we can honour and fulfill our own needs and often our unmet needs just need a feeling. Ultimately, they just need our love which again, comes through our acceptance, non-judgment and the knowing that no matter what we’re feeling, thinking or experience, it’s okay, we’re okay.
There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s no problem to fix because you’re not broken. There are just parts of you that need your loving attention. That’s all.
No human is perfect, we’re not meant to be. We’re human and therefore we’re vulnerable, sensitive, we have emotions and needs and that’s totally okay!
We’ve gotta stop berating and vilifying our humanity. We’ve gotta stop believing that some emotions are “good” and others are “bad” and rejecting parts of our humanity.
Embracing all of you means that you don’t judge parts as good/bad, right/wrong. You just stay present with yourself, accepting, kind, loving and calm for all parts of you, just you would like a best-friend to do for you.
You become the very thing you are looking for externally. The best partner. The best friend. The most loving parent. You embody the validation, approval, acceptance, love you are seeking for someone else to give you. You feel it, you give it to yourself, you embody it and therefore you become it. You give yourself the need and then you’ll find just how empowering that is and just how fulfilling it is to fill yourself up with love from the inside out.
Self-love isn’t about doing. It’s about being.
There’s nothing you have to do better or more of to experience self-love. You don’t have to do more yoga or eat more vegetables. Sure, they might make you feel great so keep going, but the real sense and feeling of self-love is about how you show up for yourself, talk to yourself, nurture yourself and I’ll say it again: accept the entirety of who you are. It’s really simple, just not always easy because you’ve probably been in the habit of being mean to yourself and believing the false belief that you’re not good enough, for a very long time.
The deeper work would be to work with a coach or therapist to really understand what your story is, the beliefs that lie at the core of it, why they exist, what they need and how to give yourself those needs so you can stop replaying bad habits and unhealthy patterns that aren’t serving your true self.
A coach or therapist can guide, support, reflect back and show you how to walk back home to your true, Authentic Self.
If you’re interested in working with me, feel free to contact me and book your free 20-minute phone consultation.
