Communication is an art, skill and incredible tool that should be taught to all children in school but sadly isn’t. And because we were never “taught” how to communicate, we often find ourselves in conflict without knowing how to resolve it.
Miscommunication is often at the core of all conflicts, be they relationship break downs, an inharmonious work environment, tension between family members etc, because we’re often communicating unconsciously from a triggered, reactive, state vs a state of awareness.
There are are two aspects of conscious communication which I believe to be vitally important:
1. Understanding oneself and how to communicate authentically 2. Communicating in a way where we can be heard by the other
The first aspect is what I call, discovering your Authentic Self. This is a journey inwards discovering the language of your inner landscape. Getting to know your emotions, needs, what scares you, what triggers you, what is your wounding and how to take care of yourself. Your Authentic Self is really just who you truly are-and who you’ve always been-beneath who you think you “should” be, all the various belief systems you’ve taken on from childhood and over the span of your life, and the hurt of life’s experiences thus far.
Once you understand who you are at the core of yourself, you have a blueprint, an understanding of yourself and a language of who you uniquely are. From that place, communication becomes much more clear, authentic and mature because it comes from, and is held within, awareness.
The second aspect is one we often overlook, and is one that is virtually impossible to do if we are communicating unconsciously and in a triggered state.
We might finally find the courage to communicate/express how we feel but the way in which we deliver our message (be it our choice of words or tone) often works against us rather than for us. If we do not choose wisely the way in which we use our words and our tone, our communication can come across as attacking which places the other in a position of defense and in that state, they will not hear a word that we are saying. Instead, we create the attack/defend loop which arguments arise out of. The outcome is always a lose/lose situation.
If we are coming from a place of awareness of what is going on for us internally, if we can take self responsibility and stay within our experience, we can communicate more calmly, kindly and clearly. The other person has a far greater potential to hear us vs spending their time defending. At the very least, even if they still get triggered, it becomes clear that something within themselves needs loving attention.
Basically, when we are coming from a state of awareness and communicating consciously, things become much more clear. We can more easily notice:
Who’s getting triggered and why. What the dynamics are at play without taking things personal. Who is taking self responsibility and who’s not and who’s “stuff” needs working on (kindly and lovingly, of course).
Resolution is much easier to arrive to because calmness, kindness and at the very least respect is held within a conversation. And that’s perhaps the key word: conversation. We often lose our ability to converse if we’re not communicating consciously because arguing is not truly conversing but that loop of attack and defense, most often coming from triggered states of being.
If you’d like to learn more about communication, please feel free to sign up for a free 20-minute consultation or jump straight into a session. Whether you are wanting to improve your communication within yourself, (after all, everything starts within and how we communicate with ourselves sets the tone for how we communicate with others) your relationship, within your family or within a group project, I am here to offer you tools and guide you through the process of learning how to communicate consciously.
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